whatever shit

2009-03-15T23:06:00.001+08:00

2008-05-24T16:56:00.000+08:00

You made me cry
You tore me apart
You left me in tears
You shattered my heart

It wasn't your fault
I guess it was me
For love can't be forced
Perhaps we weren't meant to be

It still doesn't help
Now that I know
Because for some reason
My heart won't let go

I've tried more than once
To get over you
But you make it so hard
With cute things that you do

I thought love was joy
But I've nothing to gain
Just sorrow, tears
And a little more pain

The day the pain started
Reality came too
It was the day that I realized
I'll never be with you

2008-05-06T14:39:00.003+08:00

Why did you lie?
AHA! Guess what, now I feel like a DUMBASSSHIT! Believing in all your lies and crap?!?
I can't help it but get a good laugh at myself! I am so fucking dumb and fucking shit to believe your crap! So all along .............. It's like that!
Feelings? what's thr to cheat? I have no say in that, no say if you had cheated my feelings, cos it's not my stand. I love you, &I dont ask for anything much, I just want your smile, &your laugh. It's not my fucking ass to care! Why must you be like that... (why did I blame you?) It's my fault, Why am I so dumb to believe you! Fucked up! I am over, &finally over you shit. Trap in this box for years alr. I thought, you did ask me if it hurt (mybleedingthumb), I thought it was nth, didnt know that it acty lasted for THREE YEARS &HURTS SO MUCH! So painful, that I can't cry nor tear... So pricky, that I laughed!
All these... I thought, yeah, sure, thr's definitely no end in us, like I know thr's no result even if I stubornly insist in lovin' you. I know we will never get together. It sucks when the person you like doesnt feel the same way as you do. But why do this to me???
AHA. You're not ego, you dont suck! You know why? Cos' I'm the one whose to blame, I'm the blind one, the ego one, the mastermind for all. If it isnt for me to like you from the start, all's not going to happen. So, IT'S MY FAULT, isn't it!!!!!

2008-04-24T16:53:00.002+08:00

Whatever!
JX You made me Sad... Though he made me sad too! AHAH!
You must be thinking i dont seemed sad... Kuku!
I dont care, not crying anymore! D:
Tears drop on my guitar.. wooooohoooo!
Saw him morning, gheyshyt! D:

2008-04-15T13:20:00.001+08:00

It has been a freaking long time since Johnny's here!
*giggles*
Hey there!

The first step~

2008-02-28T16:24:00.002+08:00

:-D I love the way he smile, but I no longer can see it and smile at him with the same feeling. Things just get out of control. Today, the first day I tried to let go and not think of him. Perhaps, not thinking of him was kind of dufficult to happen, but I proved myself and to many people, I am able not to talk about him. I made my first step, an improvement. :-D

2008-02-27T22:41:00.002+08:00

I have to accept the fact that life aint perfect. Nothing is perfect in the world. I am quite sad about that, yet isnt it beautiful of it, because since everyone is imperfect, everyone is EQUAL.

That was rather random. Today is a fine day with a fine weather. Thanks X for saving me from awkwardness. X is a wonderful guy, him being such one, really makes me ashamed of myself. I love him, he saved me awkwardness, he saved me from all stuffs, he made me and helped me though I thought perhaps life isnt any easier for me. Especially, he himself loves the other girl. He knows the feeling, he helped me out. I really loves him for all the wonderful stuffs. He wants me to stop hurting myself and everything, however these little things really touched me.

I never knew it. Till recently, everything just seemed to surface and all the things supposed to be unknown are so naked now. We know what is happening. He knows my feelings towards him, I knew he knew it, but I thought that he thought I no longer treat him as the guy, now I know he knew it. I had to face him, laugh together, smile, talk.

Guy, thanks for being such a wonderful person. You really make a difference in my life. Now, all I can say is, thanks for being there. I always thought loving you silently is the best thing ever, till I realise, this has never been the case, a silent quiet unknown love I thought so all along. You knew it from the very start, you played along well. However, thanks real lots for that, saving me from many awkward times. I mean it. There's definitely an end to it and I thought how nice it would be if it ends today. There's a tomorror everyday and a every new today each day. For months, for years, I have been telling myself, I'll end it tomorrow. And ya right, the tomorror I look forward to, then seemed just an excuse for living in the joy I had on your expense. You had really been one great guy I have ever met. I really love these days alot. Sorry for making your days suck lots just because of my selfishness sometimes. Lots of thanks and apologies for you. Guessed, this will be the last time already. Let it all end on a perfect note. Thanks for all~

JOHNNY :-D
The day is BEAUTIFUL.

The leaf's departure is because of Wind's persuit or is it because Tree didnt ask her to stay?

2008-02-25T19:30:00.003+08:00

LOL. You know what, saw this "story" at someone's blog..

hi, i am Tree.
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees.
Overtime I start to use a tree
as a trademark for all my watercolors painting.

When I was in Pre-U, there's one girl whom I love alot but I didnt dare go after her.
She doesn't have a pretty face, nor a good figure, neither does she have outstanding charm.
She is just a very ordinary girl, but I like her, really like her.
I like her innocence, frankness, cuteness, intelligence and fragility.
The reason for me not going after her is I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good enough for me. I'm also afraid that my feeling for her will vanish after we are together.
I felt that if we are meant to be, we will be together ultimately.

This reason made her waited for 3 years.
During these 3 years, she saw me when I kissed my girlfriend.
She was embarrassed but smiled before running off.
The next day, i saw her swollen eyes.
When school ended that day, she stayed back in class and cried.
I saw her but she didn't know because I returned from soccer training to get something from my class.
I stayed outside the class and watched her cry for an hour or so.

My girlfriend at the time didn't like her.
Once, the 2 of them quarrelled.
I know that based on her character, she's not the type that will start the quarrel.
However, I still sided my girlfriend.
I even shouted at her, she was shocked and I can see her eyes filled with disappointment, but i couldn't care.
Nevertheless, the next day, she still laughed & joked with me as per normal.
I know that she's very hurt but my heart ache is just as bad as hers.

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I asked her out.
I told her that I have something to tell her.
Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too.
I told her about my break up and she told me about her new boyfriend.
I know who is the guy, he had been chasing after her for quite some time.
A very cute guy full of energy.
His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I could only smiled & congratulated her at that point of time but my heart was aching badly, hurting real bad.
I couldn't breathe.
I wanted to shout loudly to her about my feelings but I can't.
Tears rolled down & I broke down when I reached home.
How many times have I seen her crying for the man whom doesn't acknowledge her presence.
What I am feeling now is exactly what she felt all along.

Soon it is our graduation, I got a letter from her.
It says:
"Leaf departure is because of Wind's pursuit.
Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay?"
During Pre-U days,
I like to collect leaves.
Why?
Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree
that she has been relying on for so long takes a lot of courage.
During the 3 years of Pre-U,
I was on very close terms with a guy.
Not BGR kind but as buddy kind.
I like him & I know he like me.
But why won't he pursue me?
Since he felt the same way,
why he doesn't want to make the first move?
Whenever he had a new girlfriend,
my heart would hurt.
Time after time, my heart was hurt.
I begin to suspect that this is an one sided love.
but if he don't like me,
why does he treat me so well.
It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend.
I can never figure out when he is thinking.
You can't expect me a girl to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side.
Waiting for his phone call and sms everynight.
Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting.
The pain hurts and the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year,
a 2nd year junior begin to go after me.
his sweetness,
tenderness
and all the things he did for me finally let him
have a small footing in my heart.
He's like a warm & gentle wind,
trying to blow a leaf away from the tree.
then, i came to realise that
this wind is here to bring this badly battered leave
to a far away land,
away from the tree.

Finally I left tree.
But the tree only smiled & didn't even asked the leaf to stay.
So, Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit?
Or is it because Tree didn't ask her to stay ?

Life aint any perfect~

2008-02-24T23:14:00.005+08:00

I cant say anything. DUMB FOUNDED.
Lost words when its time, tongue tied when not supposed to.
love him? HHAHAHAHA. nothing to say, cause I cant say anything.
:D Johnny supposed to be a happy freak, staying positive all the time.
smiling at all things. Accepted the fact that life aint perfect.

P.S I LOVE YOU (cont.)

2007-10-27T19:57:00.001+08:00

i love him.
when woo sent me this pic, i was like.. eh? why i love him not you. now i realise why! its just so difficult to say i love you.. can i go up to him and tap him at the shoulder, errm *** i love you? i only.. can.. silently at the corner, goes.. hey, i love him.that man, that boy, that guy, the male.

P.S I LOVE YOU~

2007-10-01T16:48:00.001+08:00

i dont love him anymore lah.shhhh.really!

just when it comes to some times...i still cant come to a state to face him normally like a friend or a stranger..so i chose to avoid.was kind of shock when i realise i was running away when i saw him.run away and call for help.finally,decided to face him,but still avoided by acting not seeing him.

sorry.

THE BITCH

2007-10-01T15:05:00.001+08:00

WTH.

STUPID BITCH.YOU SEE.IT IS A PATHETIC THING!

THE F.UGLY BITCH.THE SHORTIE.IRRITATING ASS!

CANT SHE BE MORE LESS BLIND. IS THERE ANY OTHER THING SHE CAN SEE BESIDE OUR SHIRTS?

SHE IS LIKE..ACCUSATION? BIAS-NESS? DISCRMINATE AGAINST US?DISGUSTING US?

The eyes whom never meet.

2007-09-23T19:20:00.002+08:00

Do you know the relationship between two eyes..? they blink together, they move together, they cry together, they see things together and they sleep together BUT THEY NEVER SEE EACH OTHER ... that's what's friendship is!!! If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened.... would you come?.... If I had one day left to live my life... would you be part of my last day?.... If I needed a shoulder to cry on.... would you give me yours?

recieved this from some one.to my friends.

2007-09-23T19:20:00.000+08:00

2007-09-22T15:03:00.000+08:00

the tissue paper on the bus.on the bus,used this tissue paper.awkward
lift.

hey.talk bout wednesday...><

wednesday lesson was perfectly wonderful and interesting.firstly,teacher didnt come and pe and calligraphy and many many interesting lessons which do not need to use your brain at all.

so interesting and relax that i guess it is just too wonderful.And since,there's nothing perfect in the world,wednesday is not a that nice :(
left for granny's house,at the bus stop.J and ah MIN's bus came and they left.listening to my own ipod.
-heard laughters that i hate alot alot alot.
-see people that i dont want to see at all all.
-waited for bus for very very very long.
-was not able to face him at ALL.
-felt like avoiding but i cannot hide anywhere.
-felt like leaving but i wanted to face it.
-want to face it normally but i cant.
-was very very very sad.
-cried on bus and cant stop.
-hiding from other's people eyes.
-cant stop the tears.
-msg JIAJIA and she cheered me up with her stupid actions.
-the way she FELL down.
so lonely and sad that i silent my phone and hope no one find me.
ate granny's porridge,the nicest one in the world and was kind of fine already.watching tv, some comedy though i didnt laugh.Then, felt like looking at the phone when realised JIAJIA called me.missed call and J msg me, telling me DOMINIC asked me stop irritating him.I was angry and sad because it is not me who irritates him.I was like so sad already and called JIAJIA for some comfort from friends.Guess what she tells me?
-sorry JOHNNY, i gave your no to some AH BENGS.
It is like i treated them us best friends and yet they did such thing.Am i a shield or their friends. Im not even worth more than some ahbengs? I hate them and though i am still talking to them like good friends, seriously i wont forget about it, i will try to forget about it yet i wont forgive them.. when they tell me why they did this, they said "bo bian" ? huh? why bo bian? not forgive them not equals to hate them.We are still good friends.5 of us still the most obviously seen together 5?Its contradiction lah.
so..this 3 things at together, what a wonderful wednesday man.

2007-09-19T18:53:00.000+08:00

just to say..im a racist and i hate people who are cheena. i can stand no cheena-ism.this is not my type. china bitches.. steal our land, our man, our resources, our job..etc. cos they have lots of resources but all fake one.china fake goods lah.try to live a day without using china goods.you'll die! you all, destroy my appetite, spoil my dinner and make me vomit my lunch out. EVIL.

2007-09-15T17:06:00.000+08:00

and..
twit again. X is so twit.

never mind.
just wan to say..it take time to forget.even if you run around, went to another world,dimension..things wont just disappear from your mind and heart..
wonder why..would study not in my mind..
I still miss you that must, i still acting like as if i dont care about your presence.i stil avoid you,as usual. i mind, i care.i dont want to face you, feel like avoid, but i wan to see you,happily having your own life without me.without my presence.i want to hide in a corner where you cant see me,yet i can see you. i dont mind your life without me..because form the very start, your life does not have my presence, im a interuptance,i disturb your wonderful life,you are leading. stay happy, as long as you are happy. its fine.
i saw this lyrics on MTV just now..translate to english..
though it hurts and leaving scars, yet believing that these scars are the causes i have to pay to love. even if it hurts so much..this is the conditions to enjoy loving you.

chinese oral two more days..speak in chinese bah.

2007-09-15T16:53:00.000+08:00

what the hell. JIAXIn pissed me so much.I am so angry.
anyway.just here to make this alive.

I AM JOHNNY.
I AM GAY.
I AM STUPID.

what the hell.
why must we study.must must there be streaming.i hate this.NO. this sucks.i hate it..if the whoile world dont study.and everybody is retarded, isnt it the same us whole world being super clever.same same.
just like: 2x = 4(0.5 x)
isnt is the same?
whole world retarded and whole world clever.wont the result be the same.However, now..those study harder and work harder,think more..BETTER. yet those..lazy and retarded get nothing.
ok..it may still be right that..hard work pays..:)

2007-09-10T09:20:00.000+08:00

I am Johnny.
Yes. Johnny :)

I was just told about Mormons and shockingly enough, I am not interested in this at all. Usually I will enjoy hearing about other stuffs in the world, different people and things, viewing the world in a different perspective. Well..maybe it is the mood, or maybe it is me. I don't have time to blog anymore. Maybe not for other things in the world too.

2007-09-09T13:47:00.003+08:00

"Johnny here"

I am feeling quite sad today. School holiday ends tomorrow. Exams are round the corner. I must start studying hard. Anyway, I am watching tv show now, it is quite stupid. I think the story line has some problem!

sigh**

2007-09-08T19:56:00.000+08:00

hey.
i like this person [x] .

x is not a nice person.but i just lik x! i love x alot. x is cute. no matter what.i dont care..but im afraid of the time when x is gone! i'll be dead lah! sianx.

2007-09-08T01:24:00.001+08:00

hello
its johnny blogging.

yup.
gosh those kuku birdS are lik..
they study den i wan sleep.den i cant sleep.
but they wan study den i talk to them become disturbing them!so bad lor.wahahahahahahahahha.
fwalalalalalalal.

2007-09-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

ah...
nehneh.

my timetable.
2330-0000 [blog]
0000-0530 [beauty sleep]*
0530-0600 [travelling home]
0600-0630 [bathe]
0630 [sleep]
BAND!

* subject to changes!

yup..this is what they plan out!
but what i want is..
this is my first and last time i can lik invite friends home.lik me enjoy it once?just once?

2007-09-07T18:45:00.000+08:00

" I wish i din't konow whatI never knew then...FlashbackMemories punish me again.Somoetimes i remeber all the painthat i have seen.Sometime i wonder what might have been...Vision of love and hatea collage behind my eyesRemnants of dying laughterEchoes of silent cries"
Text Complete of "Regret" by Anathema

from. http://www.deviantart.com/view/5472849

Alexander Graham Bell:
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.

Harriet Beecher Stowe:
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

Katherine Mansfield:
Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it is only good for wallowing in.

Percy Bysshe Shelley:
Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

Sydney J. Harris:
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

from. http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_regret.html

2007-09-07T18:32:00.000+08:00

hey..
wth! stop it lah!dont lik band den dont lik lah!dont like to come den dont come?dont be like that can?dont lik it den leave please!dont wast my time.you not that great must make to everytime look forward to help you all but you all dont want to help yourself!please lah!ya..maybe you all are quite lik important?i gonna be alone!but..dont give that attitude and always dont come!

REALISE..how a senior feel when junior always pont band!its like..so terrible!

BIG APOLOGY TO MY SENIORS..
last year..im so much worse than them! i cant imagine how you all felt!><

anyway..why find excuse to pon!seriously..maybe you want find excuse to tell aric!but seriously..i dont mind de!just need to lik message me. "hey..i going out today.dont feel lik going band!" i ok with it!sure.. or say.. "hey.i dont want to go today!" im very fine with it! honesty is the best policy!

so smile.anyway last practice le! fine lah.i know you all also need break! ok.forget it! :) just dont lik it.lik i spend time going school but you all lik that! i gonna flunk my streaming this year! sianx.can repeat not?regret **

2007-09-06T12:34:00.000+08:00

hey.
you know what!when i think of it.im really quite sad and down!
why is it that this is happening to me!its not my fault?is it?i really dislike the fact that im alone being only sec2! i appreciate poeple around me telling to jiayou.work hard!encourage me.but i dont lik it as if,im so noob!yesterday was like a solo!section? huh? 1 person?looking at 6 trumpeters? i miss the time when i look across and saw lots of long long instrument.now..i look across and saw lots of small instruments standing on the players leg!no i dont lik it.
i looked at the empty eats beside me yesterday!so many chairs but so empty!every seat is ocupied but with what?files?stands?my bag?...
actually what i hated most is..why i see other seniors coming back after spa yet not my own seniors?you all hate me that much that dont even want come and help me?even after 1 o clock? aren't all dismiss at 1?
its just 3 notes and i cant play well at all.i hate the expression on conductor.saying "wrong" saying "late" saying whatever fuck that its not compliment!i dont lik it!WRONG isnt a nice word!wrong wrong wrong.lazy to count?count only the first two beats?always waiting for ppl to count for me? i dont lik it!why!!!!!!! however..i love the look on him smiling.saying yes!i lik the nod on his head saying im right! i just tense when he look at me and hear the 3 notes! yet i look forward to the nod on his head.the laughter! loL..its a kind of accept by him.
i dont lik the "i have no confidence in her standing alone!"
"your seniors wont be here forever!"
"you all are depending too much on your seniors?"
... ... ...
NO! try to work hard!
either get very depressed by what he say or work doubly hard.im super depressed.i dont want to be the only one.you know i fear of loneliness! :( i hate this!

its hard to stay cheerful.i kind of afraid of band.i scared of playing.i dont know how to face people in band and i feel lousy and dont want to play the instrument again!why am i so lousy? i regret being here! and i feel bad to those who needed to repeat and repeat just becos of my lousiness and not able to count! my beats just get confused when i play off beats or whatever shit!sorry. :(

2007-09-05T16:11:00.000+08:00

what the hell.
i hate the whole world!i hate my seniors.i hate my juniors.i hate everyone who point the finger at me!i hate ppl.

there are a kind of people on earth!this is kind people are those who have attitude problem and yet dont lik to accept people with their own attitude!and lik pangseh people yet dont lik people to pangseh them!
#SELFISH!

and yes..i agree with what you are thinking now!i am this kind of people! :) so what?big deal?..

and very down and very unhappy.

never can i forget this .. ..
"trombone without the seniors is extremely weak!"
"without the seniors,johnny cant even stand alone!"
"its good that the seniors are not here.so that i can see what JOHNNY has been doing in combined!"

how can i forget such statements!

im feeling so lousy.so lousy that i felt as if the next moment i'll be dead!so lousy that i feel no purpose of my life!so lousy that i cant tell why am i living.why am i here!why am i going for combined!

seriously..pardon me for saying this!
WHY MUST YOU ALL SCOLD ME AND UNHAPPY WHEN I DONT GO FOR BAND.
WHY I CANT PON BAND AND YOU ALL CAN!

never mind.(: i have THREE seniorS.THREE!! but .. :)

sometimes..its really better to keep mum..life will be better!cos this is not the worse though im feeling so lousy that..its worse of ever!